I’ve just finished watching the first episode of Tycoon, ITV1’s new apprentice rip-off business reality show, “starring” Peter Jones (The one with the floppy hair from Dragon’s Den who comes across all mentor-ish and friendly unless you’re not wearing a decent suit!) Yes, I know it was on *last* night, but thanks to the wonder that is Sky+, I never watch TV live anymore (or adverts, or opening credits, or “coming up after the break” bits), so as there was an Apprentice sized gap in my viewing schedule tonight, I thought I’d have a look.

So, justification out of the way, what the heck is “Tycoon”? Basically, Peter Jones “invests” £10,000 (of his OWN money he tells us a mere 23 times in this episode) in each of the six “entrepreneurs”, who then plunder along taking 3 weeks to come up with a name and no doubt in future episodes decide what colour to make their logos and other really, really important stuff that helps you succeed in business, until there’s no money left there is only 1 person standing, who gets all the money.

Much is made of the potential £60,000 that Peter Jones could lose here (It’s only mentioned 23 times) – Peter himself asks nobody inparticular: “What if they blow it all? What if I can’t make a Tycoon?”, well then Peter I think you would have lost 0.015% of your estimated wealth (not taking into account the fees that Peter receives from ITV, the increased business and endorsement deals he gets as a result of the program, and assuming that his estimated £400m wealth is all tied up in non-interest bearing investments, as the interest alone if sat in a bank account would earn Peter nearly £60,000 per day.. but don’t let the facts get in the way of a good TV program). And if you can’t make a Tycoon, then I’d say the worst that can happen is ITV won’t give you a second series, although if they did for Celebrity Love Island…

So, Peter is risking all this money (it’s his own money on the line you know!), and has lined up the best business brains he could find – He must have chosen people who were hard of hearing when God was handing out business brains, thought He said business trains and asked for a slow one. These “entrepreneurs” as they are referred to have got no business savvy whatsoever, their ideas are rubbish, and appear to treat the show with the contempt it deserves – It’s a competition at the end of the day.

They’re not entrepreneurs – They’re not taking ANY risks financial or otherwise, and they’re all being led by Peter to the point of not having an opinion of their own. There’s no doubt in my mind – This is a dumbed-down rip-off of the Apprentice. Fortunately, it also seems to have ripped off The Office, and there are some comedy moments having them all working together like that. Just wait till one of them hides the stapler in a jelly..

For me, this show is all about building the Peter Jones “brand” as a celeb in his own right (hence the constant newspaper cuttings being shown of the headline “I can’t go anywhere without being recognised” – It’s not a business show in any way shape or form, and I wonder if now I’ve accepted that I might enjoy it more.

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